The Trespasser

Recently we witnessed another night of Goblins and Monsters as 2015 ushered in its anticipated version of the popular Halloween festivities. People of all ages joined in the activities dressing up in all manner of costumes. The local grocery store employees were dawned up in their costume apparel as were the fast food patrons at their counters and express windows. As the afternoon turned to night, the streets were downright scary.

A genuine headless horseman patrolled the main street areas on a black horse that would have made the real Ichabod Crane run for cover. People from all ages seized the opportunity to costume up and become that awful creature or walking dead that they immortalize from our obsession with Hollywood. Halloween used to be for the young children. They would run from house to house knocking on doors and yelling trick or treat. The door would open to a patron standing with a bowl full of goodies for the tricksters. Now it seems that the fever has spread to all of us.

At our home, we entertained trick or treaters from infant size to six footers. They came in all manner of attire. Some were so realistic that you needed a second look just to make sure you wanted to open the door. They were full of life and adventure looking for the thrill of the night. Each participant wanted to see your expression as you opened the door to gaze at their dress up. Some costume participants went to great lengths to ensure that you got the most chilling scare for your treat. I think the recent popularity in Comic Con has something to do with it. I will say this, It will go down as one of the most memorable Halloweens in recent history, and we were all happy to have participated.

Since we are on the subject of downright scary nights, I thought I would relate an adventure that happened at our home late one August evening. My wife and I had just retired to watch some television in our bedroom. It was a very hot night, and I had opened the bedroom window. I was sprawled out on the top of the covers watching the last of a football game while Patty was curled up under the covers as usual. The ball game had already put her in the “Sominex tonight and sleep” mode.

After about an hour of the game, I was barely able to keep my eyes open. As I lay there, I wasn’t sure whether I was dreaming or that a good sized moth was flying around the bedroom in the light of the television screen. At some point, I realized that the 'moth' was unusually large, and it was a very dark color. All these things went through my mind until I opened my eyes wide, sat up on the bed and stared at the winged creature darting around our bedroom. Still, about half awake, I thought it was a starling or black bird. I figured it was just circling the light. Then it dawned on me, and I went into cringe mode. I then yelled at the top of my lungs, "BAAAAAAT!!!!" It was loud enough to raise the dead. As I did this, the mother of all hairy critters came straight for my nose like a missile shot from a silo.

I barely had time to pull the covers over my face and lay down flat before the creature hit the headboard and evidently went down on the floor. Meanwhile, Patty had wakened to the sound. She was shaking with the covers over her head all while trying to talk at the same time. Her first words were, “Did you say a bat was in here or did I dream that?” I told her that she was right, and she nearly passed out! She then started to yell at me to do something about the bat.

Now, this is one of those moments that you see on television, but it could never happen to you. I wanted to lay there and have this toothy creature just disappear, but it didn’t work out that way. I mustered up the courage to pull the covers from my face and looked around the room for the little bugger. He had disappeared from the scene, so I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom that was next to our room. The bathroom shares a doorway with our bedroom. From there I turned on the lights to the room. Patty asked me if the coast was clear and I told her to relax, and that I had it all under control. Sometimes men just have to lie to show our stupidity. Nothing was under control; I was standing there in my G’s, barefooted and without a thing in my hands. All the while, not knowing where on earth that hairy flying mouse had gone, but everything was under control.

Patty sat up with all of the covers draped around her. The only thing exposed was her face. She sat shivering looking like a human teepee at the end of the bed. One word from me and she would have been out of there, running down the street at night screaming like the devil was chasing her. I have to admit, my heart was pumping a little faster than the speed of sound. I could feel it nearly bursting out of my chest as I surveyed the room looking for something that resembled a furry missile. Just as I was about to give the all-clear signal, I saw the little Creepshow host. He was spread out on the floor with his wings out to the sides, crawling across the floor like a land crab towards my position. He was a hideous thing that I have seen all sprawled out with wings to each side. I didn't know they could crawl like that. The way he did it made any Hollywood special effects look amateurish. He crawled slowly toward me, and I stood there not knowing what to do next. Patty was begging me to do something, but I had no clue of what to do.

Finally, it dawned on me to pick up the clothes hamper and smash the little weasel with it. As the bat crawled to within two feet of me, I dropped the hamper on him with the force of a megaton bomb. Trust me when I say that I could have put that cardboard hamper through the bedroom carpet, plywood and floor joist that night and then into the basement below. I looked over at Patty and thought that I deserved a medal of some kind. She was having none of it and wanted the thing removed. After some conversation and the realization that medals were not in order, I slowly lifted the hamper. The little trespasser was folded up into a ball about the size of a silver dollar. I had him smashed to pieces, so I decided to get a broom and pan for the final burial. I stepped over him with my bare feet. I had all the confidence in the world that the blast from the hamper had sent him to mosquito heaven. Just then the little bugger flew from the carpet between my legs and out into the hallway. Snake bit wouldn’t describe my motion as that hairy flying moth shot between my legs. Patty and I witnessed the speed of this demon as he flew about six inches off the carpet and out into our home. Faster than a speeding bullet I threw the covers over my wife’s head and a scream of terror echoed the house as she flew back down on the bed and covered every inch of her torso with everything she could get a hold on. I stood there after coming back down to the floor from my leap to ceiling getting out of the way of the little monster.

I quickly slammed the bedroom door and quietly tried to coax my wife from out of her hiding place. My wife was adamant about not venturing out into the hallway. She was staying in the bedroom with the door closed tighter than if it had been nailed shut from the inside. I guess these must be the times when you have to reach way down deep inside and see what you are made of.  Honestly, I would rather have faced a charging Grizzly than that little flying torpedo. At least with a Grizzly, you can climb a tree or something. With this critter, you’re too slow, and your reflexes are old school when it comes to maneuvering around Dracula’s cousin.

The night turned into a long one with Patty in the bedroom; the door locked tight and me outside of the bedroom trying to find the little demon. He was not moving from wherever he was hiding. I tore the whole house apart trying to find him. The last thing I wanted was him to come barreling out of some hole and come for me again. Finally, I gave up in disgust and joined Patty in the bedroom. My night was full of questions that I really couldn’t answer. The only thing that seemed to pacify her was the fact that the bat was outside in the house, and she was safe in the bedroom.

Morning broke, and it was time to go to work. As I rose from bed, the house had to be searched once more, and the all-clear signal had to be croaked before my wife would emerge from the bedroom. I told her that bats didn’t like daylight. I told her that they would hole up in caves during the day and only fly at night. This got her out of the house and off to work, but I was instructed that it would be motel city if the creature were not dealt with before she got home from work.

I went to work and enlisted help during our lunch break. I went back with a posse of my son and son-in-law. We went from room to room searching for the bat. We didn’t find any signs of one. I decided it was time for one of those little white lies if I was to have my wife in the house tonight. I told Patty that the bat must have gone out the way he came in and that we had left doors and windows open for his exit during the day. I was to learn the hard way that lies can only come back to bite you in the butt real hard if you let them.

All was well in the Southwick Homestead. We had just finished a relaxing dinner and settled in for another game on television when the wife decided it was bath time. I was laid back in the recliner thinking only of the game on hand when the most blood-curdling scream I have ever heard echoed throughout the house. I’m sure everyone heard it through the neighborhood. They probably thought it was a repeat of Anthony Perkin’s shower scene in the Alfred Hitchcock thriller Psycho. I literally flew out of the recliner. On one hand, I thought the end of the world had come and on the other, I had a sneaking suspicion of what awaited me next. Patty had made a fast beeline for the bedroom again, and the door slammed so hard that I thought it would splinter into pieces. I stood in the hallway and waited for the creature to make his move. Patty yelled through the door that as she was walking down the hallway, the critter flew straight at her and hit her in the thigh. She went ballistic and started swinging and running for the bedroom door. I figured that the bat was having a hard time seeing with the lights on in the house and that it was his nocturnal time to be out and about gorging himself on the mosquitoes of the summer night. He had been hiding in the bookcase at the end of the hall the whole time. When Patty had made a walk towards him, he must have got nervous and tried to fly out of his hiding place. Blinded by the light, he must have flown right into her leg.

I had no idea what that critter thought, and the only thing I wanted was him out of my life. For the rest of the night, I heard the threats coming from behind the bedroom door. I decided I needed help, or I was in for another bad night. A quick call to my son and he showed up with my granddaughter to console grandma. The two of them huddled in the bedroom while my son and I went to war.

We searched high and low for the bat only to be skunked in our efforts. I couldn’t believe that winged bullet could have ditched us again. Frustration was setting in, and we were almost ready to throw our hands up in surrender mode when I decided to look in the last place we had not searched. I walked to the living room couch and peered behind it. I told my son that we needed to lift it out of place and look under it. I was in the motion of doing this when I brushed the curtain next to the window. What happened next is for the history books. As I pushed aside the curtain, a black hairy little monster with a mouth full of teeth opened his wings and landed on the side of my head. It happened so fast that I didn’t have time to react. All I could do was brush my face as he fell off and hit my shoulder on the way down behind the couch. Now, I have to say that I’ve come in contact with thing’s in my life that were not too pleasurable, ticks, rats, and snakes just to mention a few. To have a bat hit your head, with claws no less, and hang on until you smack him off is just a little more than the average man can endure. This time, I was the one that managed a loud Indian style war hoop as the bat made his play. It was a good thing that my son was there because by the time I would have come back from changing my underwear that bat would have been long gone. We lifted the couch, and the little black faker was curled up in his usual silver dollar size position just waiting to pull his trick again. My son put a broom on him and when I explained that he had stealthy ways and nine lives he lifted the broom, and I did a Cheyenne war dance on him with my boots. Again and again, I repeated the war dance just to make sure the end of this battle was over. Finally, exhausted and suffering from shock I backed off, and my son removed the trespasser to his rightful place outside of our house and in the garbage can.

I have now developed a great respect for the little fellows of the night. They are extremely important to our environment. God placed them here on the earth to help control the insect populations of the summer night skies. Their contributions to the planet are recorded and measured by science. They roam the night skies mostly unmolested and defy aerodynamics with their flight. Anyone watching these critters at night darting and diving at will come away from the experience in awe. The day after this experience I went to work none the less for wear. As I sat at my desk and got ready for the day, I looked up at the back of my office door and there in all his glory was a picture of Batman with wings spread. Haha. I guess this adventure beat me to the office, and I am still eating crow as the saying goes.

Patty and I have lived in our home for over twenty-two years bat free until one summer night. How the bat got into our home is a discussion that will go down in history for our family and can get heated at times when it comes to my wife. After our experience with the miniature Dracula, Patty and I have come to the conclusion that they can have their space, and we will have ours, but when it comes to trespassing in our home, we draw the line. Now if I could only figure out how that little bugger got in here.....I might be able to relax.

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